Tired

I'm feeling better, now. But the past few days have been slowly leading up to what happened this morning: complete meltdown.

I can blame hormones all I want, and they probably did play some role (yay PMS... /sarcasm), but the real problem is that I'm not sleeping enough. I haven't gotten to bed before midnight for a week, at least, and I get up by 6:30 most days. Sure, I sleep in on weekends, but even then I know I wasn't actually getting the 8+ hours my body needed to "catch up."

Yesterday I don't even remember my alarm going off. I finally woke up when my stepdad called me at 7 AM demanding money and guilting me about not mailing a Mother's Day card on time. Today, I woke up at 7 on my own. I didn't want to, and I didn't have any sort of motivation. Not to get dressed, not to eat, not to go to work. I did get dressed, but then I just sort of stopped. Turned on the weather channel to see what it was going to be like (cloudy, cold. I hate this weather). And then I started crying. And I couldn't stop. Eventually it was time to go to work and I hadn't eaten or anything yet. I got a hold of one of the people I carpool with, and when she heard me crying she insisted on coming over and helping me.

She and the other guy we go to work with came over, and I walked them through my breakfast menu, and my lunch menu. They cooked for me, I slowly packed my lunch. I ate, and they helped clean up my kitchen. It still isn't clean, really. There are still plenty of dirty tupperware containers around. But it's better than it was.

It was humiliating, and humbling, and exactly what I needed. I hate, with a horribly cliched passion, getting help like this. I hate letting people see me cry. And I can't stand to let people see my house/apartment in the state it's in. I could psychoanalyze myself here, but I'll try to refrain. Suffice it to say that I don't know how to let myself be taken care of. I normally resist it at all costs. And this morning I had the sense to let my friends take care of me.

I'm calling it a step forward. I'm still overwhelmed, and I'm still on the edge, emotionally. I've got a lot on my plate right now, more than one person can handle on their own. I know that, and I'm trying to learn to lean on others more.

In much happier news, I had my indulgence last night: pizza! I'd been craving it for a week, and let myself give in to it this week at the Mage group. I had planned to, so I guess it wasn't "giving in" in the normal sense. I had already proven to myself that I could resist if I wanted to, so I didn't mind using this social context to have my indulgence. And the pizza was every bit as good as it looked and smelled. Maybe a little saltier than it would have tasted pre-PCP. I did overdo it a little, having 3 pieces instead of 2 (which I rationalized by saying they were pretty thin. True, but an excuse nonetheless). And I paid for it with a mildly upset stomach. I definitely still like my veggies, and am looking forward to having my PCP lunch today, but that pizza was fanastic. I think the craving has been satisfied for a while now. Looking forward to indulgence 2, whenever we get it, which I'm using for my wedding (yay key lime pie!!).